VISIONS AND MUSIC

When I read though my piece on mental health, I screwed it up and threw it in the bin. It had taken me weeks to think out, choreograph and finally write, but only seconds to open the envelope, re-read it and rip it up ! You see, it seemed to dwell on things too much; dwell on the past, dwell on what could have been, might have been and what ought to have been. When all is said and done that kind of retrospection isn't of any use to anyone. I made the fatal error of allowing my anger to have its own importance. Instead of trying to quash the tantrum of memories, I inflated the bitterness and self pity by giving it an outside interest……me. I made it more important than myself. I'm forty years old and my problems are still with me, but they don't get prime time anymore. In fact it only been in the last three years or so that I have actually started to feel more important than the problems (whatever they are !)

Do we ever find out what the spoke in the works was ? I think that we think we do, think that we have found the root of the problem, enough to carry on with a new understanding of ourselves. It does all depend on the severity of the incidents of course and I have always been shamefully intrigued at how some victims of violence can retrieve their lives enough to gain fulfilment of some kind, whereas others end up living in total fear, rejecting any grain of hope of a near normal existence.
We all dwell on our problems at times, its a great cop-out for facing our destinies. I guess it is all part of the process. How can we learn to make new choices if we don't scrutinize the bad ones ? Choice is the key to new beginnings, not the split second of time when we look to the sky and suddenly feel liberated from some unwanted guest in our heads; it is a moment after all that gets lost, the minute our eyes hit the ground! If we only go out in the sun how will we ever reach our destination ?

I paint for pleasure mainly, but sometimes when fate steps in, for money. I walk a lot too. I live within minutes of a place called Hergest Ridge and believe me, when you are up there or just around it, the problems you had or think you have just slip away like an unwanted cardigan on a hot day. Sure, you can pick it up again when there's a chill, but stay as long as you can in that wonderful warm glow that a beautiful place can bring you.

Visions and music have been for me such a powerful influence on my "recovery" (for want of a better word). I'm afraid to say that friends and loved ones have not been the key figures in the way I see things now, though sometimes I think they have. I have learnt that when you do suffer from a mental illness, no matter how severe, what people do or say to further your progress takes on great significance and that isn't always fair on them. But Visions and Music are where I gain my strength and feeling; from what I see and listen to, and endeavour to paint.
These are the only people that have no agenda and offer whatever it is you need to take. Visions and Music. Search for your recovery in everything you see and hear.

Thanks
Barbara